Manners give you the edge, experts say

By Mireya Navarro (NEW YORK TIMES NEWS SERVICE)
August 18, 2005
Kids need to learn manners from the start

 J.R. Gowan, a 36-year-old screenwriter, said he had never thought of taking lessons in etiquette. It was his sister's idea.

 It came to Cameron Gowan after she had dated one too many men who forgot to open doors for her, who were rude to waiters or – and this was the deal breaker for her – who didn't care enough about personal grooming to spare her the sight of eyebrows sprouting "two hairs that are a foot long."

 "If you don't present yourself well – speak appropriately, no weird stray hairs – I don't go on a second date with you," said Cameron Gowan, 33, a law librarian in Washington. "I wanted to remind my brother how you treat a woman."

 J.R. Gowan agreed to sessions with a kind of personal etiquette trainer, not because he was "a total slob," he said, but because he was shy. He figured that better manners could help him get dates and sell his science-fiction scripts. And?

 Too early to tell, he said. "People are not saying, 'Wow! Your manners are better,' " Gowan said. "But I'm not looking at my feet. I certainly exude more confidence."

 Although there are no hard numbers on this, the etiquette industry appears to be enjoying a sort of renaissance, if not a neo-Victorian age. Instructors, many of them working individually with clients as "etiquette consultants," almost uniformly say there is a growing demand for their services.

 The upsurge, they say, is being driven not just by parents who want their children to eat without repulsing dinner guests. More adults are also signing up for etiquette instruction. It is even a subject of higher education; colleges are increasingly offering etiquette seminars.

 Motivations vary. Some clients believe that sharpening their social skills – how they hold a fork, enter a room, make conversation – will make them feel more confident. Others hope that a bit of social grace will give them an edge in the competition for jobs and dates, help them stand out among the barbarians.

 Then there are those who see mastery of etiquette as another step in a tireless quest for self-improvement. One 35-year-old assistant movie producer, who took private etiquette lessons in March to help advance her career, said the move had already paid off. Rather than sitting in the car while her boss holds court over lunch in the Beverly Hills Hotel, she says, she now joins the business meetings with the self-assurance of a Donald Trump.

 The producer, who spoke on condition of anonymity – "How does it look that I had to pay for manners?" – said she aspired to be as elegant as the actress Grace Kelly and as prepared for company as if she were to meet the queen of England. She said her boss now treats her more as an equal.

 "If you think of all the money you spend on clothes and makeup, why not have a manners makeover?" she asked.

 In two two-hour sessions, the producer said, she learned to sit properly by locking "your ankles so your knees are not spread apart" and resting her hands on her lap.

 "What comes with all these techniques is a certain confidence, that confidence that says you're as good as anybody else," she said. "You walk taller. You command respect. I can drink my tea and be comfortable and not have that nagging thought in the back of my head that I don't belong here."

 To hear the doyennes of etiquette tell it, more people want to learn manners because in many cases no one had taught them at home. Peggy Post, a great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post and a spokeswoman for the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt., says rushed lives prevent many parents from teaching their children how to act. And Dorothea Johnson, founder of the Protocol School of Washington in Maine, which has trained etiquette instructors since 1988, cites computers.

 "A lot of young people have spent so much time on the computer, they don't have any face-to-face skills," Johnson said. "They're really challenged by small talk."

 Judging from the research, Americans can surely use the remedial training. National surveys routinely find that a majority of respondents view Americans as ever more unpolished and impolite. Loud cell phone conversations, sloppy grammar in e-mail messages and annoyingly indifferent store clerks are just some of what draws complaints.

 "You'd be surprised how many times at a banquet someone is drinking your water," said Kimberly Anderson, an etiquette trainer in Southern California. 

But the population's increasing gaucheness has inspired a kind of backlash, creating a boom for those who claim to be able to cure the problem. Like the rubes of "I Want to Be a Hilton," it seems, people from all walks of life are striving to be, if not fabulously rich, at least fabulously presentable. Programs like the Etiquette-Network in Illinois and Etiquette Survival in California, which provide educational materials to those interested in starting etiquette businesses, report an increase in requests over the last five years.

 Many colleges and universities are offering seminars and workshops on the art of dining and other niceties of etiquette so that students can be more presentable, and competitive, in the labor market. The College of Charleston in South Carolina offers seminars like "First Impressions" and "Power Etiquette."

 And booksellers like Borders and Barnes & Noble report rising sales for etiquette books. Beth Bingham, a spokeswoman for Borders, reported "double-digit sales growth in that category" over the last two years. Sharon Bosley, a buyer at Barnes & Noble, said that etiquette books were commanding more shelf space.

 "There are a few more etiquette books now because there are new areas of etiquette that need addressing," like e-mail and cell phone etiquette, Bosley said in an e-mail message.

 While adult interest in etiquette training appears to be growing, much of the industry still revolves around children and teenagers, and any parent looking for classes can now find them at schools, museums, hotels and summer camps.

 A spa and well-being camp run by Pali Overnight Adventures near Lake Arrowhead in Southern California promises "impeccable manners" for 12-to 16-year-olds. Four times a year, the "petite protocol children's etiquette" program at the Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles teaches "the art of introductions" and how to take messages and serve beverages.

 "Parents are looking for a kind of nanny," said Anderson. "I issue a disclaimer: I'm not here to teach them not to spit at a restaurant. It needs to start at home." Some parents resort to etiquette instructors to coach their children through important periods of their lives. Donni Gray, 36, said she turned to a Los Angeles etiquette instructor, Amanda Wycoff, a year and a half ago when her daughter was 11 and had just switched schools. She was in a "grunge stage" and did not care much about her appearance, Gray said, but somehow Wycoff made her start combing her hair, building a circle of friends and volunteering to help teachers.

 "Sometimes it takes another person giving input," Gray said.

 Wycoff, 27, said she gets about eight new students every month, half of them adults. Her business has quadrupled since 2000 without advertising, she said.